In LOVE With These Rings...

Omg. I know I get slight obsessions with things, especially when I first see them, but these are so gorgeous. I want a set so badly! They're exactly the kind of jewelry I like too -- dainty looking, simplistic, clean. And these kinds of dainty rings look good on my fingers. Gosh I really want to get my hands on a set of these (no pun intended). I'm thinking I want mine to say "FREE" but...I really like the heart shaped one toooooo...dammit! (Images from http://honestlywtf.com/cool-hunting/c-is-for-catbird/)

More thoughts

Aren't relationships scary? Being in a relationship means opening yourself up to someone who can end up hurting you. At a certain point it becomes trusting your partner completely to stand by you through thick and thin. Now that I think about it, I realize that that kind of bond is hard to come by. Some don't ever find it at all.

Wouldn't it be theoretically easier to just rely on yourself for everything? Without a partner you only have to look out for yourself. There is no need to please someone else. The only feelings you have to be concerned about are your own. In theory that sounds great, doesn't it? No need for responsibility for someone else.

Yet, that life seems lonely. To me at least. Though it may seem great to not have to bother with the difficulties relationships bring, it's nice to have someone to share things with. You know, stupid things like watching ducks eat in the water, the way their butts kind of just pop up and look funny. Sharing silence. Writing a hand written letter to them recalling all the moments you liked the most but never had the time to say it to their face. Stupid stuff. Having a partner to share my stupid stuff with is great. Its one of my favorite things about a relationship. 

My thoughts are really all over the place, but I kind of like just jotting them down without editing anything I'm trying to say. Maybe it seems more raw. At the same time though, I want to go back and make sure all my thoughts are covered in a way that is cohesive so that I can convey my thoughts more accurately. But maybe typing them out as I think of them does that already.

I'm talking to my boyfriend on Skype tomorrow. I'll probably talk to him about this relationship stuff. I don't know what he'll say. Maybe we'll have a deep conversation about it, maybe the subject will only last for a few minutes before we move on to talking about something else. These kinds of serious conversations can't really be planned, they kind of just happen. Though I'm hoping that we can talk about it for awhile. I could use another person's opinion to figure out what mine is. Not that I'll agree or disagree with someone else's opinion right away, but hearing someone else's thoughts about something helps me figure out whether or not I agree or disagree, which ends up helping me figure out what my real thoughts and opinions are. Yes. I'd like to talk to someone about relationships and love. Because right now, my faith in love isn't as strong as it was a week ago. Not that I don't want it or don't think that my relationship right now isn't great, but I wonder how you find true love, if you can even find it, or if it truly exists. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't know if he believes in love. I guess I don't either considering the fact that 1. I'm questioning its existence and 2. I haven't found it.

I'd sure like to find true love though.

Unsure

So I recently found out that my uncle is going through a divorce. I don't know the details, whether they've already filed or are at the point of consideration, but it started to make me think about relationships.


I can say with confidence that relationships are tough at times. They require a lot of effort for them to continue smoothly. Despite the heartache and disagreements that relationships have, people still want them, and some to the point where they spend their whole lives looking for the one lover to make a relationship with.


So what makes a relationship worth it?


I don't really know the answer to that. If I did, I think I'd be in a much different place in my emotional and romantic life. I guess the only way I can really answer this question is by relating with my own relationship experience, which isn't that extensive. Though I might not have a lot of relationship wisdom, I do think I have a general sense as to what I want from a relationship. Of course, given I'm only 20, there are lots of things that I'm not considering in a long term and serious relationship yet (ie: marriage and other things related to it).


I've had some tough times in my most recent relationship. Now that I think back on it, most of those things have been worse on my part than my partners (I am biased, of course). But really, all of the things that came up as difficulties were things that he mentioned to me, and I ended up in a rut for a short period of time before things got sorted out. So what made me stay? Maybe the fact that these rough spots weren't big deal breakers, so I figured that it was worth putting more effort into the relationship rather than giving up on something that was actually pretty good. Or maybe I'm afraid to be the first to say things aren't working, though I didn't feel like there was much evidence to show that things weren't going well.


I don't know. I really don't. What I do know is that relationships aren't always on cloud 9, they won't always be easy, and they most certainly are not perfect. Yet we all still want them. We all want someone to love and have them love us back.

Its Been A While...

But I feel like starting up my blog again. For now, just to have thoughts written down that I can access later whenever I feel like reflecting on my thoughts. A kind of informal, write down whatever I'm feeling kind of vibe for the time being. So here it goes.


I have a problem. One that is hard to deal with, and hard to fix. My problem is something along the lines of when I'm sad, I isolate myself from other people and feed on my sad feelings. I also tend to take it out on my family, which I really shouldn't, but I'll admit that I do.


I don't know why I do this to myself. I have so many good things in my life, but as soon as one not-so-good thing happens, all focus is directed at the not-so-good thing. Why do people do that? I know I'm not the only one who does it. How is it that one bad egg ruins the whole basket? There are plenty of other good eggs to be happy about, yet all you can see is the bad one.


I get sad. I try to put my mind on other things, but it always reroutes to the sad feelings again. One remedy that I very recently found to help me feel better is to go surfing. Literally focusing on something else and being physically and mentally in another place really just made me feel so much better, and I was really happy I had gone surfing to get my mind off things. The rest of that day was great, but then the next morning the same familiar sadness came back.


I know for *sure* I am NOT depressed. I guess I just really really really miss my boyfriend. I hate to say it that way, but I do. Some people might think that's pathetic, that you don't need anyone to make you happy, and to that extent yes that is true. However, I'm not relying on my boyfriend to make me happy, I'm just happy when I'm with him. Going to visit him last week really just made things harder for me when I came back home, because I miss him more now than I did before I left. Not only that, but I have another 7 weeks before I see him again.


Do you ever just lie in bed, running through your memories, trying to relive them? I realize that I do that a lot, especially for the good memories. But maybe doing that isn't so good...it's probably better to focus on things that you do now rather than things that are done and in the  past. I can't help it though. Reliving my good memories makes me happy until I realize that I'm not there right now. I'm in my room. In the present.


In a week or two I'll probably be over my "I miss my boyfriend ridiculously" stage, as I did when summer break began. Time tends to numb things over a bit, and in some ways I'm thankful for that, but it also numbs some of the good feelings too. I had forgotten how my boyfriend made me feel during the time of his absence. Seeing him again really shocked me back into why I like him so much, which is why not seeing him is so much harder this time.