Its Been A While...

But I feel like starting up my blog again. For now, just to have thoughts written down that I can access later whenever I feel like reflecting on my thoughts. A kind of informal, write down whatever I'm feeling kind of vibe for the time being. So here it goes.


I have a problem. One that is hard to deal with, and hard to fix. My problem is something along the lines of when I'm sad, I isolate myself from other people and feed on my sad feelings. I also tend to take it out on my family, which I really shouldn't, but I'll admit that I do.


I don't know why I do this to myself. I have so many good things in my life, but as soon as one not-so-good thing happens, all focus is directed at the not-so-good thing. Why do people do that? I know I'm not the only one who does it. How is it that one bad egg ruins the whole basket? There are plenty of other good eggs to be happy about, yet all you can see is the bad one.


I get sad. I try to put my mind on other things, but it always reroutes to the sad feelings again. One remedy that I very recently found to help me feel better is to go surfing. Literally focusing on something else and being physically and mentally in another place really just made me feel so much better, and I was really happy I had gone surfing to get my mind off things. The rest of that day was great, but then the next morning the same familiar sadness came back.


I know for *sure* I am NOT depressed. I guess I just really really really miss my boyfriend. I hate to say it that way, but I do. Some people might think that's pathetic, that you don't need anyone to make you happy, and to that extent yes that is true. However, I'm not relying on my boyfriend to make me happy, I'm just happy when I'm with him. Going to visit him last week really just made things harder for me when I came back home, because I miss him more now than I did before I left. Not only that, but I have another 7 weeks before I see him again.


Do you ever just lie in bed, running through your memories, trying to relive them? I realize that I do that a lot, especially for the good memories. But maybe doing that isn't so good...it's probably better to focus on things that you do now rather than things that are done and in the  past. I can't help it though. Reliving my good memories makes me happy until I realize that I'm not there right now. I'm in my room. In the present.


In a week or two I'll probably be over my "I miss my boyfriend ridiculously" stage, as I did when summer break began. Time tends to numb things over a bit, and in some ways I'm thankful for that, but it also numbs some of the good feelings too. I had forgotten how my boyfriend made me feel during the time of his absence. Seeing him again really shocked me back into why I like him so much, which is why not seeing him is so much harder this time.